The Lamb’s Wedding Feast (Medium-Rare)

 In Blog, Pop Culture, The Bible

This series of posts is my attempt to demonstrate that the language of the Revelation was actually symbolic code that was very intelligible to a first-century Jewish Christian living in the Roman Empire.  I’m re-writing the Revelation to communicate the same message, but to a twenty-first century American Christian audience, using symbols we understand.  This particular section parallels Revelation chapter 19.  If you want to catch up, here’s a PDF of the entire series so far: The Revelation to JR. – Chapters 1-19.

After all that, I heard what sounded like an enormous multitude in Heaven, and together they said,

We pledge allegiance to God!  Salvation and glory and power belong to our God,
Because his judgments are true and just.
He has judged the great whore who corrupted the earth with her adultery,
And he has given her what she deserves for the blood of his servants.

And they cried out once more,

Pledge allegiance to God! She burns forever, and the smoke rises up like a just incense forever.

Then the fifty congresspersons and the four living creatures stood, placed their hands over their hearts and pledged allegiance to God who is seated behind the desk by saying,

This is truth! We pledge allegiance to God!


And a voice came from the desk, saying,

Praise our God, everyone who is one of his citizens,
And everyone who acknowledges his rule, both important and insignificant.

Then I heard the enormous multitude again – they sounded like a giant waterfall or a thousand jet engines:

We pledge allegiance to God!  For the Lord God, the General of Heaven’s Armies, reigns.
Let us rejoice and celebrate and give him glory
Because it’s finally time to celebrate The Lamb’s Wedding Feast,
And his bride has made herself ready.

She’s been allowed to dress herself in the most beautiful wedding dress, bright white and pure (this beautiful dress is actually all the saints’ righteous actions.

Then the angel said to me,

Write this: “Everyone who is invited to the Lamb’s Wedding Feast is blessed!”

Then he said,

All you’ve heard are the True Words of God.

I was so overwhelmed, I put my hand over my heart and began to pledge allegiance to him, but he stopped me, saying,

You must not pledge allegiance to me! I am just another citizen – just like you and your compatriots who hold to the story of Jesus.  Pledge allegiance to God!  Because the story of Jesus is the very essence of prophecy.

Then I saw heaven opened up, and a white tank came rolling out.  Its driver is called Faithful and True, and his judgments and war are always just.  His eyes burn like fire, and innumerable dollar signs swirl around his head.  And he is not required to pledge allegiance to anyone but himself. His uniform is dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God.

Behind him, following him, were Heaven’s armies, all wearing bright and pure white uniforms and driving white tanks.

A diamond-hard, platinum gavel came out of his mouth, and he used it to crush the nations, and he’ll rule them with a rod of iron.  He will run the Welch’s factory of the fury of the wrath of God, the General of Heaven’s Armies.  Across his uniform, he wore a sash that bore the title ‘President of all presidents and Prime Prime Minister”.

Then I saw an angel standing at the core of the sun, and he called out to all the birds in the sky,

Come, gather for God’s Great Feast
To eat the flesh of presidents, the flesh of generals and lieutenants
The flesh of CEOs, the flesh of infantry troops
You can use parts from tanks and fighter jets for silverware.
Gather, and feast on the flesh of everyone – important and insignificant.

Then I saw the Beast and all the rulers of the earth – presidents and prime ministers and dictators, with all their armies, gathered to make war on the Tank Driver and his army.  And the Beast was captured along with the false prophet who had performed signs by which he’d deceived everyone who’d received the Beast’s mark and everyone who’d pledged allegiance to its image.  These two were thrown alive into the lake of fire that burns with molten lava.  And the rest were crushed by the gavel of the Tank Driver, the gavel that came from his mouth.  And all the birds were gorged with their flesh.

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